Friday, May 25

NBA: Evolving Into Sports Entertainment

I'm sure not everyone is enjoying the NBA Playoffs, and I can't blame them. First of all, 26 out of the 30 teams have gone fishin', which means the fans of those 26 teams could care less who won the NBA Title; especially the die-hard fans: "Screw the world, my team got eliminated!"The match-ups also haven't been friendly for the average neutral NBA watcher, and the ratings seem to show it. So what can we do about it? Nothing! What can I do about it? Wish the NBA merged with the WWE and hope that everyone shares the same sentiments even just for now.

A couple of years ago, two of the NBA's most famous superstars have already crossed the border and performed in sports entertainment. These two players are the NBA's very own: Karl Malone and Dennis Rodman. The two performed in the WCW for one match, and shared headlocks and grapples. Karl Malone even had the pleasure of body-slamming Hulk Hogan, and Dennis Rodman was able to score a take-down on Diamond Dallas Page. You've got to be proud about our players, who knew they had potential in sports entertainment? Overall, it was quite dull for a match, I think they were too concerned about how Malone and Rodman would be able to keep up with the moves and speed of the match.

Check this out:

Based on those insights, I have now come up with something innovative: Since we put NBA players in sports entertainment, why not put sports entertainment on NBA? I scanned through all the current WWE superstars in search of the perfect NBA prospect, and I happily found one wrestler who could create a huge impact on an NBA team. No, I'm not talking about John Cena, although he could spice up the locker room and the NBA entertainment scene like Gilbert Arenas has. Carlito would be great, especially after spitting on the faces of people who don't want to be cool, but not him. I was thinking of someone who could create an impact on-court, someone like: The Great Khali. After tapping out to the FU by John Cena last week, I think Khali should save face and join the NBA draft this year. And who better player to compare him to than one of the most dominating players in NBA history, the Great Shaquille?

Let's compare them head-to-head:

1.) Intimidation
This aspect is a no-brainer. First of all, the Great Khali stands at 7'3, 2 inches taller than big-daddy Shaq. Another reason is that Shaq has a shiny bald head with his famous goatee complemented by that sly grin of his. I think that's no contest when compared to large ridged-eyebrows and messy long-hair covering the eyes which makes Khali look like a serial killer. Shaq has a deep voice, but Khali can barely be understood when speaking which makes him sound like a monster. The Longest Yard can vouch for that.

Winner: The Great Khali

2.) On-Court Play
Let's analyze things shall we? Once again, let's bring up the height comparison: Shaq stands at 7'1, while Khali stands at 7'3. What about weight? Shaq weighs 325 lbs, while Khali weighs 420 lbs. That is a difference of almost 100 lbs in weight, and 2 inches difference in height. Talk about the size advantage on Khali. How will they fare on the court? No contest. Shaq is much faster and can miraculously finish on the fast break at times, but on a half-court set, Khali will own Shaquille.

If it was 'Khali vs. others' against 'Shaq vs. others', we can safely call it Khali's advantage. Think about it, Khali can just walk in the middle of the paint, and the point guard can just toss him the ball for a no-jump dunk. The opponent will have to throw seven of their players (the five on court plus two from the bench) just to box out Khali. This leaves the other four teammates of Khali wide-open for shots, not to mention the benefit of the technical foul being called against the opposing team for having too many players on court. An '01 version of Shaq however, can be contained easily when the opposing team throws three of their players at him. This is a landslide for Khali.

What about 'Khali vs Shaq'? Shaq can easily out-maneuver Khali with his low-post moves, and I think Khali is too slow to block any of Shaq's shots, so Shaq easily wins on his side. On Khali's side however, I think he can walk over Shaq straight to the front of the basket and no-jump dunk the basketball.

Winner: The Great Khali

3.) Brawls
I think everyone knows Shaq gets in to fights every now and then. And a lot more people know that The Great Khali gets into fights weekly, it's his job. Now what if there was a brawl involving two teams? Who would you rather have? Shaquille O'Neal? Or The Great Khali? Shaq is feared in the world of NBA fights. I think everyone is aware of the infamous altercation between Brad Miller, Charles Oakley, and Shaq, a few years ago. If Shaq's punch landed, Brad Miller would have been OUT COLD. Khali gets in to fights every week, although they are orchestrated. If Khali went against five men, he would fare better than if Shaq went against the same five men; however, if Shaq and Khali went at it, I think Shaq's advantage in speed would win out (I said Shaq and the word 'speed' in the same sentence).

Winner: I wanted to say draw, but you've gotta give credit to Shaq. Shaquille O'Neal! I applaud the man who can take out O'Neal in a fist fight (UFC fighters and heavyweight boxers are not allowed).

Over-All Winner: The Great Khali!

Of course, this is all impossible. It's just an insight of what we could expect if a WWE superstar as large as the Great Khali would actually come play for the NBA. It's possible that he might not have any knowledge of basketball, but he'll be fine in a year, I think. Either way, The Great Khali can create a dynasty and win numerous NBA titles, and can even outnumber Michael Jordan's rings. Yeah right, dream on. Take that NBA!

Power Bomb!


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