Friday, June 1

Fancy Pants

Today is an NBA day-off, very much thanks to the quick dispatch of the Utah Jazz at the hands of the San Antonio Spurs. In other words, there's nothing interesting to post today. Let's look at the bright side though, we have much more room to fool around.

NBA Players are rich. There is no doubt about that; but after they retire or during their free time, what else is there to do? Sitting at home or relaxing at the beach won't really bring back the thrill of playing in the huge coliseums in front of all those fans, and getting involved in other adventurous sports like sky-diving or water-skiing will become too strenuous for an old dinosaur especially in its 60s. Guess what? They should start a mafia. Gun-slinging, underground conspiracies, high speed chases, evading the cops; they could keep it up until their 90s.

Since that moment will happen only a few decades later, I thought to myself that I should help them get started with their plans with something simple: Their new mafia names. I took some players from some of the playoff teams this year and gave them their respective code names, check it out:

The Mafia's Name: Fancy Pants

The Don:
Manu Ginobili as 'Don Twinkle Toes'
As everybody knows, the Cosa Nostra originated in Sicily, an autonomous region of Italy, so who better to lead the mafia than a man whose bloodline traces back to Italy? It's in the blood. Plus, he has dirt and deception in his blood, he would lead the Mafia extremely well. I know he is from Argentina, but Don Twinkle Toes is from an Italian descent. Could be a direct descendant of Calogero Vizzini himself.

The Underboss:
Andrea Bargnani as 'Dreamboat'
Dreamboat came directly from Italy, but we had to give the top position to Don Twinkle Toes. Sorry, Dreamboat. Don Twinkle Toes is much older and experienced. You're still green, but because nepotism thrives in the family, you get the second highest position. Other than that, Dreamboat is quite a bad ass for his age; that shows so much potential for the future Don.

Gilbert Arenas as 'The Blossom'
I know he was unavailable for this year's playoffs, but we can't scratch his name off; The Blossom will not be forgotten. He has been appointed by Don Twinkle Toes as the Consigliere mainly because he shows so much promise and potential to be a great Consigliere. The Blossom acts as mediator between basketball and entertainment, which keeps the world ignorant of the underground conspiracies. He keeps clean save for minor gambling and such so no one would be suspicious.

Steve Nash as 'The Hobo Clown'
Deron Williams as 'Danger-Prone'
The Caporegimes are captains who each lead a crew of soldiers. Dreamboat nominated over six Caporegimes but Don Twinkle Toes hand-picked only the best two of the six: The Hobo Clown and Danger-prone. They showed great skill in leading their crews that Don Twinkle Toes was just so impressed and had to have these two lead his different crews.

Baron Davis as 'The Self-Toucher'
Jason Richardson as 'Hair Lip'
Robert Horry as 'The Toweler'
In the world of organized crime, one can't help but have a million enemies who try to dismember the family; so what is the solution of Don Twinkle Toes? Appoint three of his best hit-men to take out nosy politicians, cops, and rival families' leaders. The Self-Toucher, who was one of the six who were nominated as Caporegimes, was taken as a hit-man after his rejection in the position. He gets the job done quick, and by the time people notice, no traces of evidence will be left. The Hair Lip and the Toweler on the other hand, are more accustomed to big guns and pay no heed to tactics and stealth. Destructive but quick.

Kurt Thomas as 'The Lone Drinker'
Eduardo Najera as 'The Abalone'
Jacque Vaughn as 'Chimpy Nuts'
The associates are not really members of the family, but they serve as errand boys. They don't mind doing the dirty work, as long as they get their fair share of bread and honey. Dreamboat took the pleasure to appoint The Lone Drinker, The Abalone, and Chimpy Nuts; just some people he pulled out of the street who shuts up and do what they're told.

Other Members:
Dirk Nowitzki as 'The Funny Mustache'
Tim Duncan as 'Frankenberry'
Dwight Howard as 'The Delicious'
LeBron James as 'The Stare'
These four people highlight a group of other members that are indeed part of the family but have yet been given positions and jobs by Don Twinkle Toes; although Frankenberry might be tasked once in awhile to smuggle in some Cuban cigars.

That's it for the family and their code names. Do you have more players to suggest that will fit very well with the family? Send me an e-mail and I'll recommend him right away to Don Twinkle Toes.

By the way, I didn't invent these names. I used a nifty Gangster Name Generator to help me out.

I am out of ideas.

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